Jewish Schtick

THE JEWISH GRANDMOTHER

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the
crowded bus and discovers that she doesn’t have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.” He caves in and lets her ride for free. She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won’t move for her. She fi nally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.” The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle. She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks signifi cantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again, she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me. “Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort. A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and asked her, “I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you’ve got, anyway?”
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, “Chutzpa”.

BLINTZES AND KNISHES

An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnifi cent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for eight when they had expressly asked him to set it for four. The butler replied, “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes”.

THE DIFFERENT KNIGHT

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to stand in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword.However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language which he remembers from the Passover seder: “Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot,” Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, “why is this knight different from all other knights”?

SHOOTING STAR
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star”. “How nice, says his mother. “I have an Indian name too”, he says.  “It’s Running Water” and you have to call me that from now on. “How nice”, says his mother. “You have to have an Indian name too, Mom, he says.  “I already do”, says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva”.

EVENING PRAYERS
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn’t have his head covered…so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until the prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, “This is important…put your hand back on his head!” to which Henry exclaimed, “What, am I my brother’s kipah?”

THE OPERATION
An older Jewish Gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. “Yes, Dad, what is it”? “Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”.

THE WRINKLED CHEEK
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.  Finally, she spoke up: “Zaydeh, did G-d make you?”“Yes,sweetheart. G-d made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Zaydeh, did G-d make me too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “G-d made you just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed: “He’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”